WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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