I think I died a long time ago.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
