I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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