take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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