I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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