i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
