This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
