Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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