what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
