Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
