I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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