OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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