I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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