I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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