Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize