Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
