The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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