Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
