If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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