Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
