Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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