Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize