i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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