this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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