There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
