So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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