I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
