I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
