If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize