My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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