well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
