chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Farmville is her only friend.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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