Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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