I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize