why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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