walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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