the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
