You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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