no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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