If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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