The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
