Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
