Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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