Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Randomize
