for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
