Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
