Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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