my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize