meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
