I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
