I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
