when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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