So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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