He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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