There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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