New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
