Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
