He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
