anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
