Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
