My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
